3 Ways to Stay Grounded When Your Kids Are Going Nuts

We’ve all been there. Maybe you’ve had a long day, or perhaps you just aren’t feeling great. Or maybe the day started off perfect and just devolved into chaos!

But here you are - your head is pulsating, your eyes want to shrink backwards into your skull, your heart racing, teeth clenched against all the sensory input.

The volume from is increasing from the kids, they are running back and forth from room to room, laughing, yelling, screaming, and you don’t understand why are about to scream at them?

So what can you do in that moment? Because you know what happens if you don’t do something (and honestly, taking a deep breath or two…or ten…doesn’t always do it) you are going to yell, or exit with a slammed door behind you, and then all of you will be in tears.

First of all - let’s talk about what’s happening.

Your kids are being kids. They run around, get loud, squabble, play, screech, argue, bicker, scream, laugh, get louder.

Sometimes, in this playfulness, it turns into less play and more protection - that’s when they need you more. You’re their safety. But what is that about?

Let’s talk about the different brain states.

Therapist, parent coach and author Robyn Gobbel calls the different brain states the Owl Brain, Watchdog Brain and Possum Brain. In this blog post I am only going to discuss Owl and Watchdog.

(For more on Possum, or what happens when you shrink back, collapse your boundaries or fawn to protect yourself, click HERE.)

Owl Brain is our logic brain. Thinking, cause and effect, grounded, mindful - this is when we are connected with ourselves and regulated. In sciencey terms our brains are in a Ventral Vagal state. (And by the way, it is NOT about being “calm.” Although being calm is included here, there’s more to it, to learn what Emotional Regulation is, click HERE.)

Watchdog Brain is when we go on alert because something has triggered our awareness into a state of protection. The sciency term for this is the Sympathetic State. There are four levels of this Watchdog alert state - The first level is “What’s up?” when you are on alert, ears pricked, eyes wider opened. Like a deer who suddenly pops up her head in the meadow. The second level is “Ready for Action" when your muscles and whole body becomes flooded with the adrenaline that helps you get ready to fight or flee, there is danger, but you haven’t had to DO anything about it yet. The third level is “Back off!” which is using your words, maybe getting forceful and “growling” a little, setting a firm boundary, saying “NO!” Or it could be shouting in anger. And the final level is “ATTACK!” and this is physical confrontation - hitting, kicking, fighting.

When we play and especially when children play - Owl and Watchdog play together - there’s a lot of logic, grounded, mindfulness that dances with fear, alertness and adrenaline.

Recap in grownup language: When children are playing, their nervous system states are in BOTH ventral vagal (connected, grounded, mindful) and Sympathetic (fight/flight). Sometimes this can tip over into more of the fight/flight - and one or more of the children playing can move into a deeper level of Watchdog, and Owl can fly away.

THIS IS WHEN YOU HEAR A SHIFT IN THE PLAY. You know what I’m talking about right? Suddenly a scream sounds different, or a whine, or “MOoOOMMmmm” calling you has a certain tone and you know you are needed.

The thing is, your nervous system is also affected.

Your past - whatever you have experienced, your history, childhood, whatever - influences how your brain interprets and mixes with what’s happening in the NOW, to make your subjective reality - which is what your brain, at a below conscious level decides is safe or not.

So maybe there was a lot of yelling in your family growing up, and sometimes people got hurt emotionally or even physically. So when the volume goes up - even in play - your brain picks up “oh, hey, that’s that loud volume, we better be on alert!” and sends those signals to your body - down your vagus nerve to all your organs - and your entire body goes into Watchdog (or Possum, whatever your patterned response is).

And here you are, being needed, with the volume going up when your kids are playing, bickering, screaming, laughing, screeching…and you are triggered beyond reasonable understanding.

Why doesn’t taking deep breath always work?

Depends on where you are putting your breath. If you are taking a deep inhale into your lungs, well, that’s exactly where you need to put air if you are planning to run away or fight danger. It sends a signal to your brain that you’re READY for it! Even a long slow breath into your lungs, continues that fight/flight loop.

Let me ask you this: Have you ever tried breathing into your belly while running? I’ll save you the time. You can’t.

If you breathe into your belly, or diaphragm, you will immediately turn OFF the switch to your brain and tell your brain it’s safe now. No need to be ready for danger, the danger has passed.

Breathing is good - just breathe into your BELLY. This can be difficult if you’re used to chest breathing! For some lessons: Click HERE.

Okay that was a lot of background to get to the title of this blog! Three ways to stay grounded when your kids are going nuts. You know the first one.

1. Breathe - INTO YOUR BELLY. This will help your OWL brain stay present.

Next, remember that what is going on with your kids is how kids are. If they aren’t in Watchdog or Possum, and they are happily playing (Owl and Watchdog together), they are fine. Your reaction is simply your own history mixing with the now, telling you that something isn’t safe. So ask yourself what do you need to feel safe? Do you need water, food, to wrap up in a cozy blanket? Tea? Music on in some earpods? Do you need movement, dancing, swaying? Do you need to go outside and get your feed on the earth?

2. Increase your own sense of felt safety. What do you need in this moment?

The third thing you can do for yourself is to cultivate compassion for yourself. If volume and kid’s playful energy is triggering for you, remind yourself that at some point in your own history, there may have been a time when your own natural, authentic self was shut down, punished, or in some way made to be not okay, and you disconnected from that part of yourself. See if you can connect with a part of you - even if it’s a very small part - that feels that and put a hand on your heart, and send yourself some love.

3. Cultivate self-compassion and self-love. What can you do to allow your own authenticity to shine?

Do you have other strategies you use to keep yourself on an even keel when your children are going bonkers all around you? Share with us!