What is Emotional Regulation?

You may have heard the big buzz about being emotionally regulated.

About being “calm.”

And recently, a fantastic book came out by Eli Harwood (aka the Attachment Nerd) called Raising Securely Attached Kids where she even states in the glossary of terms right in front that regulated means calm and children need caregivers who are calm.

But that’s not my understanding.

I do agree that children need caregivers who are emotionally regulated. YES.

But being regulated does NOT MEAN CALM.

What now?

What does it mean then?

I’m a Certified Synergetic Play Therapist, and Lisa Dion, the founder of Synergetic Play Therapy™, states, “Emotional regulation means being mindfully connected to self.” She goes on to explain that within that mindful connection - in the Ventral Vagus nervous system state, a person has access to logical thinking, a feeling of “groundedness”, access to their “felt sense,” or interoception, poise, and a wide range of feelings emotions. This includes the logic of what to do with those feelings and emotions.

Being emotionally regulated means I can feel angry, and know how to take a breath, pause, and talk about what I need to help myself in that moment. It means I might feel scared, and know I need to move my body to a safer place, think logically about keeping myself and others safe in that moment. It means I might feel excited and jubilant, and express myself with joyfulness, and also know I need to not knock over the lamp or step on the dog’s tail. It means I might feel deeply sad with a client who is telling me a part of their story, and be able to breathe and move my body gently in a way that helps me in that moment so I can bracket my tears for another more appropriate time.

Mindfully connected to self.

Emotional regulation is AUTHENTICITY.

It might mean being calm. If calm is what is authentic to me in that moment, then indeed, my authentic regulated self will be calm.

But what children need most is caregivers who are connected, authentically, to themselves, in mindful ways.

Why?

Because children - all of us really, but children very much so - can instantly tell when we are being incongruous. They will pick up on “calm on the outside but angry/sad/scared on the inside” and know that we are not acting truthfully.

That “not truthful” will feel “off” to them, and at a below conscious level, their brains will alert them to unsafety.

Put simply, if we fake being calm when we aren’t, it will result in our children feeling less safe than if we authentically - but mindfully, and in a connected way - share what we are really feeling.

I’m not saying we shout at our kids because we are angry. That would be dysregulation, a lack of mindful connection. Remember, “mindfully connected” means logically knowing what to do with your feelings and emotions.

It might look like flapping frustrated hands and pacing in the kitchen taking a lot of deep breaths and saying “GAH! I’m feeling really frustrated!” in a normal volume. It might look like, “Hey, Buddy. [deep breath] My heart is feeling super clenchy and my gut is so tight right now, because I had an expectation that you were going to fold your laundry before dinner - and I see it still piled up there. [another big breath] I have to admit I’m feeling pretty mad right now. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”

Or, “Baby girl, no! I need to take that from you!” As you take a sharp knife from a toddler, “This is too sharp for you, and is not a toy. When you are bigger I will teach you how to use it. I know my voice got bigger and fast there, I was scared! My heart is beating so fast right now! [deep breath] Lets slow it down together now…so our bodies can feel better, together.” [dancing slow, swaying..]

Or it might look like, “OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! I GOT THE JOB!!!” [jumping up and down and looking like a lunatic in front of your tweens who are rolling their eyes at you] but the whole time you are perfectly aware of where things are in the room so you don’t step on anything or trip and fall or hit anything with your flapping excited arms.

None of those examples are “calm.” But they are REAL. Authentic. It’s when you are in charge of the feelings. You are BIGGER than your feelings.

If you move out of Ventral Vagal, out of mindful connection, that’s when the feelings are bigger than you. When you don’t have control over them anymore. Fear is too big, anger is too big, sadness is too big, and it’s all so spikey or sunken, that it’s running the show. That’s when you’ve gone into Sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) or into Dorsal Vagal (collapse/immobilization - which includes the fawning response).

I hope that helps you understand more about emotional regulation, and what it actually is.

No more faking calm. Your kids will know, and it will disorient them, and spike their own protective responses!

Let me know some ways you authentically remain mindfully connected to yourself in the comments!